Coercive Control and Mediation

For those who have experienced coercive control or manipulation in their relationships, mediation may seem like an ideal, low-conflict route. However, the reality is that survivors of coercive control often face unique and significant challenges in this process—challenges that can easily go unnoticed if we’re not attuned to the signs.

What Does Coercive Control Look Like?

Coercive control is a pattern of ongoing psychological abuse that may not leave visible scars but can deeply impact a person’s sense of agency and safety. It’s not always dramatic or overt—it can be subtle, insidious, and hard to detect. Survivors may not even identify their experience as abuse, especially if manipulation was normalized in the relationship.

Common Signs Someone Has Experienced Coercive Control:

1. Difficulty Making Decisions or Expressing Needs

• They defer to the other party even when it’s not in their best interest.

• They may frequently say things like, “It’s fine, I just want it over with,” or “I don’t want to make things worse.”

2. Excessive Self-Blame or Minimization

• They might justify their ex’s behavior or downplay harm: “He didn’t mean to,” or “She was just stressed.”

3. Visible Anxiety or Distress at the Mention of Their Ex

• They may become visibly nervous, guarded, or emotional when discussing the other party—even in neutral settings.

4. Hypervigilance or “Walking on Eggshells”

• Clients might seem overly cautious with their language or worried about how their ex might respond to decisions.

5. Indecision Coupled with Urgency

• Survivors often want to avoid confrontation at all costs, leading them to rush decisions just to “keep the peace.”

6. Inability to Identify or Advocate for Their Own Needs

• When asked what they want, they may genuinely not know or respond with what they think the other party will accept.

If you have experienced coercive control or manipulation in a relationship you might believe you can navigate mediation effectively, but in reality, it can put you at a serious disadvantage. Here’s why:

1. The Power Dynamic Doesn’t Just Disappear

• Even if the relationship is ending, the controlling partner still knows how to manipulate, intimidate, and pressure their ex. They may use subtle tactics—like guilt, gaslighting, or playing the victim—to push for an unfair agreement.

2. Mediation Relies on “Good Faith” Negotiation

• Mediation only works when both people are honest, willing to compromise, and acting fairly.

• A manipulative ex is likely to lie, withhold information, or twist reality to serve their own interests, making a fair resolution impossible.

3. Emotional Triggers Can Cloud Judgment

• Years of manipulation can leave someone second-guessing themselves.

• In mediation, the abuser may use familiar tactics—tone of voice, body language, or emotional manipulation—to evoke fear, self-doubt, or guilt, making it hard to advocate for themselves.

4. They May Agree to a Bad Deal Just to “Keep the Peace”

• A survivor of coercive control might feel an urge to avoid conflict at all costs.

• If mediation feels overwhelming or triggering, they might agree to an unfair settlement just to get it over with—which can have lasting financial and legal consequences.

5. Enforceability Can Be a Problem

• Even if they reach an agreement, an abuser may later ignore or twist the terms.

• Unlike a court order, a mediated agreement can be harder to enforce, meaning they might have to fight again later.

6. The Mediator May Not Recognize the Abuse

• Many mediators aren’t trained to detect coercive control.

• If the survivor brings up past abuse, the mediator may dismiss it as “irrelevant” or treat both parties as equal negotiators—when in reality, one is still being manipulated.

Better Options Than Mediation

• Hiring a lawyer: A legal advocate can set firm boundaries and protect their interests.

• Court intervention: If the abuser refuses to cooperate fairly, a judge can make binding decisions rather than relying on “compromise.”

• Support from a therapist or coach: Having emotional and legal support can make all the difference.