Dating Ambivalence: Why We Say We Want Love but Act Like We Don’t

As a dating coach, I hear it all the time:

“I want something real.”

“I’m ready for a deep connection.”

“I’m tired of surface-level dating.”

And yet… many of these same people are stuck in cycles of casual situationships, emotionally unavailable connections, or long, drawn-out text exchanges that go nowhere. They say they’re looking for love — but their dating behavior tells a different story.

So what’s going on?

We are living in a moment of deep attachment meets ambivalence.

Many people genuinely crave connection — they want to be seen, chosen, and loved — but they are also afraid of the cost: the vulnerability, the unpredictability, the risk of being hurt.

And instead of facing that fear head-on, many retreat into dating behaviors that keep things comfortably shallow:

• Ghosting when things get too real

• Breadcrumbing just enough to keep someone around without real intimacy

• Endlessly texting instead of planning a date

• Jumping from one app to another, chasing novelty but avoiding depth

This is dating in an era of emotional overwhelm and mixed signals.

The Rise of Performative Dating

We swipe, match, and flirt in ways that look like connection — but often lack real substance.

Social media and dating apps have created a performative layer over dating, where we present curated versions of ourselves and relate in soundbites.

• Vulnerability gets replaced with cleverness

• Authenticity competes with strategy

• We treat people like content instead of human beings

In this environment, it’s easy to be drawn to the idea of love but never slow down enough to actually build it.

Why We Stay Shallow — Even When We Want Depth

Here’s the truth I gently reflect to clients:

You can’t build deep connection with shallow behavior.

And yet, I also understand why so many people are stuck in this pattern.

• Some have attachment wounds that make closeness feel threatening.

• Others have been hurt in past relationships and now avoid investment as a form of self-protection.

• Many are simply overwhelmed — emotionally, logistically, or mentally — and casual dating feels more manageable.

Add to that the culture of “keeping options open” and the fear of “settling,” and you’ve got a generation of daters who long for intimacy but are terrified of commitment.

This doesn’t make them disingenuous — it makes them human.

Spotting Emotional Ambivalence Early

One of the biggest gifts you can give yourself in dating is the ability to recognize ambivalence early — both in yourself and others.

Some signs of emotional ambivalence in dating:

• Words and actions don’t match (“I want a relationship” but always “too busy”)

• Inconsistent communication or flakiness

• Avoidance of defining the relationship

• Chemistry without depth — lots of banter, no emotional intimacy

• You feel anxious, confused, or like you’re always guessing

People who are emotionally ambivalent might not be trying to hurt you — they may not even be fully aware they’re doing it.

But your job is not to decode someone else’s fear. Your job is to stay anchored in your own clarity.

Anchoring Yourself: How to Stay Grounded When You Want Something Real

If you’re someone who truly desires a deep connection, here’s how to stay aligned in a world of dating mixed messages:

1. Clarify Your Why

• Why do you want a relationship now?

• What does partnership mean to you at this stage in your life?

2. Match Your Behavior to Your Desire

• If you want depth, date with depth.

• Be intentional about your communication, your boundaries, and who you allow access to your time and energy.

3. Don’t Chase Ambivalence

• If someone’s unsure about you, let that be enough data.

• You deserve someone who’s clear about wanting you.

4. Check Your Own Ambivalence

• Are you showing up fully, or are you half in, half out?

• Are you choosing unavailable people to avoid being vulnerable yourself?

5. Stay Compassionate, But Firm

• Not everyone is emotionally ready — and that’s okay.

• But clarity is a kindness, and boundaries protect your emotional availability for someone who is ready.

Dating today asks a lot of us — courage, clarity, and self-awareness in a noisy, confusing landscape.

If you feel stuck in a pattern of shallow dating while longing for something more, you’re not alone.

You’re navigating a world that often tells you to be cool, don’t care too much, keep it casual — while your heart quietly asks for something deeper.

It’s not wrong to want love.

It’s not naive to want commitment.

And it’s never too late to bring more intentionality and alignment into how you date.

You can choose depth in a world of shallow.

You can choose clarity in a world of mixed signals.

And when you do, the way people show up for you will shift, too.

If you’re ready to move past dating confusion and start attracting real connection, I’d love to support you. Let’s talk about your dating patterns, your relational goals, and how to date in a way that feels empowering, aligned, and real.