Desire as a Mirror
Desire is one of the most powerful forces in our relational lives, and also one of the most misunderstood.
When you’re rebuilding after divorce or stepping back into dating, it’s normal to feel unsure about attraction:
Why does someone pull me in so strongly? Why do I want the people who feel out of reach? Why do slow, steady connections sometimes feel unfamiliar?
So often, we treat desire as a simple yes/no:
I feel it or I don’t.
I’m drawn in or I’m not.
Desire is layered, emotionally, psychologically, and somatically. It is shaped by our nervous system, our past attachment experiences, and the stories we internalized about love, worth, and intimacy.
This month, I’ve been thinking about three ideas that bring clarity to this experience:
• Lacan’s perspective on desire as something formed in relation to the Other
• Diane Poole Heller’s attachment insights about why intensity often feels like chemistry
• Esther Perel’s reminder that desire comes alive when we show up as our full, authentic selves
Each of these ideas opens a doorway into deeper self-understanding, and a more conscious way of choosing who we let into our lives.
ARTICLE OF THE WEEK
Do I Want Them… or Do I Want to Be Wanted by Them?
(Lacan’s Mirror of Desire)
Lacan wrote that “desire is the desire of the Other.”
Meaning: we often don’t desire a person for who they are, we desire the feeling of being desired by them. Their attention becomes a mirror that reflects something we long to feel within ourselves: worthiness, specialness, visibility, safety, significance.
This is why some people feel magnetizing even if they aren’t aligned with what we want long term.
Their desire stirs something inside us.
It touches an old story, awakens a forgotten longing, activates a familiar emotional pattern.
Lacan’s insight invites a deeper question:
“Am I drawn to them, or am I drawn to the part of me that feels seen when they want me?”
Tuning in to this awareness protects your heart and guides your choices.
SOMETHING I’M LEARNING
Diane Poole Heller: Why Intensity Feels Like Attraction
Diane Poole Heller’s attachment research adds another layer to this conversation. She teaches that what we call “chemistry” is often an echo of our early relational experiences.
If you grew up around inconsistency, emotional distance, or unpredictability, your nervous system may confuse activation with connection.
Intensity may feel like home, not because it’s healthy, but because it’s familiar.
This is why:
• The unavailable person feels magnetic
• The unpredictable partner feels intoxicating
• The slow, steady person feels “boring”
• The safe relationship feels unfamiliar or suspicious
Heller’s work reminds us:
Sometimes our nervous system is drawn to what it recognizes, not what nourishes us.
Her core message is liberating:
Intensity is often reenactment. Safety can feel new.
Desire grows in secure connection, not emotional chaos.
This helps reframe desire not as a mystery, but as information.
SOMETHING INSPIRATIONAL
Esther Perel: You Don’t Have to Earn Desire
In Mating in Captivity, Esther Perel writes beautifully about how desire emerges when we are both free and connected, when we show up with honesty, curiosity, and aliveness, not performance.
Her work pushes against the belief so many people carry:
that they must be perfect to be loved, desirable, or chosen.
Perel reminds us that desire grows when we are present, expressive, engaged with our own inner world. Allowing ourselves to be fully human, not polished, not curated, and not performing.
You do not have to earn desire, work for love or shrink yourself to keep someone interested.
Desire grows where authenticity is allowed to breathe.
Article of the Week
Modern dating often focuses on the other person, their qualities, patterns, red flags, emotional availability, and whether they align with the future we envision for ourselves. We evaluate, assess, compare, and sometimes overthink.
But lately, I’ve been exploring a deeper question about attraction itself with clients.
What if attraction isn’t just about who they are, but about the part of you that comes alive in their presence?
New Ideas
Intensity or Intimacy?
In Diane Poole Heller’s The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships, she explores attachment research and why high activation can feel like chemistry, and why safety feels unfamiliar at first.
Get Book
Inspiration
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel
Esther Perel’s reminder that you don’t have to perform or perfect yourself to be worthy of desire, authenticity is the spark.
Final Thoughts:
Desire isn’t simple. t’s layered, relational, and shaped by everything we’ve lived through. When we understand where our desire comes from, whether it’s activation, longing, projection, or genuine connection, we make clearer, kinder, more aligned choices.
We stop confusing intensity with intimacy, mistaking longing for compatibility, working for desire we never needed to earn, and in that clarity, we open ourselves to relationships that feel steadier, safer, more human, and more reflective of our authentic selves.
REFLECTION PROMPTS
• What emotional experience am I actually seeking when I feel desire?
• Does this attraction come from safety or activation?
• What feels familiar about this connection, and is that familiarity supportive or self-protective?
• Am I drawn to the person, or to the version of myself reflected through their desire?
• Where in my life do I still believe I need to “earn” love or prove my worthiness?
Gentle Invitation
If you’re navigating dating or relationships after divorce and want to rebuild trust, with yourself and others, my Conscious Dating After Divorce course offers guided reflections, somatic tools, and support for practicing vulnerability safely.
It’s a space to rediscover who you are when you stop hiding.
